The Double Whammy of Mother’s Day
Do you remember a game show called, “Press Your Luck?” Children of the 80’s spent many snow days watching game show marathons— the binge before binging was cool. Contestants on Press Your Luck were given a chance to collect money by pressing a button. There were all sorts of denominations of money and prizes on the screen. But there were also whammies. You can imagine the fate of hitting the button and landing on a whammy. Some of you are hearing the “loser whammy music” in your head rising from the deep recesses of your long term memory even as you read this sentence. The agony of defeat. Whammies ruin everything!
Mother’s Day has become a double whammy day in my life. My mom passed away in 2011 from a rare and aggressive cancer, Leiomyosarcoma. Many of you reading this had the privilege of knowing my mom, Ruthie. For those of you who didn’t, let me just tell you she was the best human. The. Best. She loved her people well, and I was so blessed to be one of her people. She taught middle school (which I think automatically puts you in the saint category) for nearly 30 years. Then, in her retirement years, she helped young mothers get their high school diplomas through a state funded program. She taught Sunday School for decades. She loved shopping for others, going to plays and musicals, cooking, reading, traveling, and spending time with her people. See sentence above if you need a reminder about how thrilled I am to have been one of ‘her people.’ So many of my favorite traits I inherited from mom. I still miss her so much.
The other side of the coin of my double whammy day is that I always wanted to be a mom. I’m pretty sure that I would have been a good one, too. Twice in my adult life I have attempted to adopt or do foster care and twice the door has been firmly closed. That story seems like a separate blog for a separate day. The bottom line is, I know anything can happen and God is in the business of redeeming and restoring. However, every Mother’s Day is a reminder that I am not a mom and I no longer have a mom. Two truths that make me sad, and it is ok to be sad.
I’ve invested so much time and energy in the last year on my mental health. Reconciling the life God has blessed me with versus the life I always dreamed of living has been the bulk of this processing. For better or for worse, the COVID quarantine and midlife crisis hit my world simultaneously. Lots of solitude led to lots of thinking which led to lots of questions. I praise God for my great life full of love, family, friends, fun, and purpose! At the same time, I grieve losing my mom, not getting to be a mom, and other disappointments that come from living in a world longing for God to renew and restore it.
As followers of Jesus, I believe it is important to sit in this tension of the “both/and”. While I grieve my mom’s death, I also rejoice that her faith has now been made sight. I truly believe she is in heaven, and I wouldn’t wish her back here for anything. I grieve not having children living under my roof, and I feel blessed with the life that God has given me to help many children around the world. Every Mother’s Day I feel both suffering and hope at the same time. Both. And.
So many of my favorite people on the planet are brilliant mothers. If you are a mother, I want you to feel loved and cherished this weekend, and I will celebrate you from afar as I escape for a little getaway. For the last several years, I have spent Mother’s Day at the beach. The ocean is always a place where God reminds me how big he is and how small I am. I’ve learned that you have to give yourself permission to process things and space to care for yourself in the midst of this crazy world— especially on hard days. Allow yourself to live in the tension of your own both/ands.
I don’t have any profound wisdom or revelations in this blog. This isn’t a “how to” or even a “tips to help your friends who are sad on Mother’s Day” blog. I just wanted to be real with you about the double difficulty of this day for me and probably for so many others for reasons you can’t possibly know. Be transparent with your people if you are having a whammy day.
Celebrate and have grace for hurting people. Once again, both/and.
I’d love for you to share this blog if you know someone who might benefit from reading it. Thanks, friends.
Sara Beth